You didn't ask for an all-limerick NFL picks column, but you're getting one!
Naturally last week I picked my best week of the season not to select my five favorite games because I didn't "feel good about any of them."
You can pick NFL games, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick an NFL game's nose.
Dashed these off real quick so I didn't have to say I missed a week...
Like any of this matters, since the Vikings aren't playing.
Here goes very nearly nothing.
Much like the Steelers and Cardinals, I'm in need of a bounce back week!
My best bets and my overall picks were both one game over .500 last week. Ride this gravy train to prosperity, everyone!
Let's see if I can write an NFL picks thing for a few weeks in a row, shall we?
Remember when the Oscars happened? Like, months ago? Well, this happened too! And finally, we got our stuff together and got it published. Featuring extra-special contributions from Holly Moyer and Betsy Rosenblatt! Enjoy!
It's BAAAA-aaaack. Wait, that's a typo: it's back. Featuring special guest movie drafter Alicia Kirk.
This is one of the movies to come out of our fabulous, scintillating PoopReading.com Movie Draft (which you should totally read first). It's way longer than we agreed we'd make these. Inexcusably, self-indulgently longer. Enjoy!
"Breaking Bad" is gone. But don't cry over spilled meth; there is still greatness out there.
I had a bad dream. I wrote about it.
Why just settle for rooting for Oscar-nominated actors when you can use them as pawns in your own diabolical chess game?
I love comedy. I love women. I love Adam Carolla. I love the internet. When all of those things threaten to converge, "Denzel-and-Chris-Pine-in-a-runaway-train"-style, I've simply got to say something.
The New Land? More like The Booooo Land. ["I was saying Booo-urns Land."]
Is it possible to mine an iota of excitement from this year's Oscars? Is Rooney Mara the name of a female person? Can a chat room transcript still make for captivating reading even if nobody in it is impersonating a 15-year-old girl? We aim to answer all these questions with a hearty "Indeed, sir!"
Any Oscar that Warrior doesn't win is an Oscar that goes to the wrong person. Well, except maybe costume design. The guys in Warrior mostly just wore fighting trunks.
The fantasy playoffs have begun... or, if you went up against Pittsburgh's Antonio Brown in last night's game like I did, they might be over before they even started.
Let's get this over with.
Just the picks, ma'am. [The full column will be back next week]
Just one more week, and then these pesky byes will be done plaguing fantasy football players forever! Well, or until next season.
The football picks are back! Not with a vengeance, by any stretch of the imagination... but they're back nonetheless.
Sure the World Series has been an absolute classic... but now it's time to read about football!
A lot of games this week are going to have that "new quarterback smell."
It's just like our Movie Draft, but with twice the rules and half the fun. Oh dear lord, what have we done?
I sort of rushed this one. Feel free to rush your reading of it.
10-6 with the picks last week... inching toward respectability! ("Inching Toward Respectability" will be the title of my autobiography, incidentally)
50-50 for the second straight week... finally, my picks are not appreciably worse than flipping a coin!
In which all of our lists, combined, tell you all you really need to know about what you should be watching.
We're getting there, folks. Just a few more weeks, and I should have this whole thing all figured out.
There will be an opening at Number 1. So long, "Friday Night Lights."
Week 1 is basically my preseason, i.e., the records really shouldn't be of any concern. It's just all about getting your schemes installed. This week, it's for real!
The glorious return of my not-so-glorious football picks. Please enjoy responsibly.
I wish I had more to say about "Breaking Bad." Unfortunately, it's so good that I'd feel silly adding anything.
If you take a dispassionate look at this list from a sociological standpoint, it does make the exercise seem a bit less unseemly.
Now that "Friday Night Lights" is off the air, this title might start changing hands a bit more often.
I'll be honest: these won't be as good as last year's. Last year I won the Oscar pool. This year? Just hoping to finish in the top half. Still, read on. Like you've got anything better to do...
When you hear a movie is "quirky," that usually just means you're going to have to pretend to like it if you don't want your hipster friends to think you're stupid. Luckily for us, Rhubarb is the other kind of quirky. The kind that's actually just good.
What were you going to do with the Oscars on Sunday – just watch them? We remixed the sumbitches! Welcome to the future!
Once published on the NFL.com's long-gone Blog Blitz website, now published here
If you don't watch these shows, you're bad and wrong.
Now that the 2010-2011 TV season is about to start, we figured we'd better get started on last season's Top Ten lists! Tune in throughout the week for more lists from the whole PoopReading.com crew; I know you will!
Like with most things, I'm naturally inclined to blame Clinton and hippies. But in this instance, try as I might, I couldn't find a way to blame Clinton.
I suspect that "Friday Night Lights" will hold this title until it goes off the air for good. There's really nothing "Modern Family" or anybody else can do, which is a bit of a shame, but "Friday Night Lights" is just so damn good.
Meryl Streep and Morgan Freeman... how can you possibly go wrong?
I haven't seen any of the movies, which means my judgment will not – cannot! – be clouded. This is my year.
We did this last year and you shit your pants from its awesomeness. All we can say is, we hope you bought at least two new pairs of pants this year.
Brandon wants to shoot DVDs into space. Mike wants to shave Morgan Spurlock. Joe threatens to punch Jameson in the face. Jameson threatens to burn down the Internet. But in the end, the love is just too strong...
We conclude our look at the most overlooked by taking a look at Best Picture. Also, be sure to check back with us every day this week... we're about to go Oscar nuts at PoopReading.com!
After this comes the big dog: Marmaduke! No, I mean... Best Picture!
Just two more to go after this one: Best Director and Best Picture. I don't know about you... but I'm going to miss the Snubbies when they're gone.
We finish out the week – but not the Snubbies, so don't worry – with Best Actress. More to come, so join us again on Monday. Or Tuesday. No later than Tuesday.
We continue our week-long righting of the past decade's Oscar wrongs.
The Oscars may not be able to get it right, but by God, we will. Join us all week for the Snubbies!
Just the picks. Very busy.
Everyone had a bad Week 13 picking games, apparently. Not just me.
Well, it's not really a proper picks column, per se, but I wanted to make sure to get my picks in for the record, at least.
I need a good week. I'm only one game above .500.
A quick picks column for the three Thanksgiving Day games.
The bye weeks are done. Everybody's playing. Life is as it should be.
I could have won money on the NFL last weekend, but I voluntarily chose not to. Details inside...
Bad week last week. Good week this week? One week, two week, red week, blue week! (Sorry; I haven't been getting much sleep...)
Happy Halloween, everyone, and Happy Week 8 of the NFL Season!
Man, I thought of such a witty, insightful blurb for this space, but now I can't for the life of me remember what it was.
Sometimes, don't you just kind of feel bad for people who don't like football?
In which the handsomeness of AFC East quarterbacks does not go unremarked upon.
10-6 last week... let's keep it up. Let's creep steadily toward non-mediocrity.
Hope you like limericks. This week, it's nothing but limericks.
And we're off to a .500 start...
Are you ready for some [guy's picks column about] footbaaaaaaaaall?
It's "Glee." It'll be "Glee" for a while.
In which all four of our Ten Best lists are factored in, and we tell you, once and for all, what the best shows really are.
Which shows will make the list? Who will be Number 1? Will your favorite show make the cut? Brett Favre! [okay, Brett Favre doesn't actually have anything to do with this, but I just wouldn't feel right not including him somewhere]
Some fellow Vikings fans aren't as excited as I am about Brett Favre coming to town. I try to explain to them why they're wrong.
Other than the mountains of irrefutable evidence that Barack Obama is a natural born United States citizen, what evidence do we actually have that Barack Obama is a natural born United States citizen? One patriot dares to ask the tough questions...
The Oscars just changed the rules so that ten movies will be nominated for Best Picture instead of five. But which movies might have been nominated if they'd changed that rule five years ago?
Really, not to toot our own horn here, but if you like baseball, and you like movies, then I don't know why on earth you wouldn't want to read this.
Jesse "The Body" Ventura over real gubernatorial candidates, "American Idol's" Kris Allen over everyone else, VHS over Beta, and more...
Don't get hung up on the title of this piece; it's something of an in-joke between me and PoopReading.com contributor Jameson Simmons, from back before this website was even a gleam in anyone's eye. The piece itself is about "Glee," the TV show.
Lots of stuff to cover this week, folks. We've got sports, we've got TV; well... mostly just sports and a little bit of TV.
A link that our own Brandon Kruse put up earlier in the week inspired me to think about who has earned my "lifetime pass." Kevin, Joss, Sarah and Norm: thanks for all the good work.
My descent into Facebook madness continues unabated...
Gay marriage, Kent Hrbek, and "Chuck."
(this blurb should not be taken to mean that Kent Hrbek is getting gay married to a guy named Chuck. I mean, I haven't specifically heard that he isn't, but, in this particular case, I think we can take the absence of any evidence that he is to mean that he is not)
I whine about an obscure baseball urban legend and recommend a show on DVD.
You never thought you'd see the day, but after four months it's finally here... I unveil the second of my multi-part series, in which we consider the top TV shows ever set in Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida and Georgia.
Thoughts on NASCAR (sort of), "Castle" (watch it), and Uncle Ned Packers Fan (I'll explain...)
A sports team with stupid uniforms finally suffers real consequences; plus, trifling thoughts on "American Idol" and "Dollhouse."
In which you find out who I pick to win it all. And I know the suspense has been killing you.
This'll get us to the Sweet Sixteen; tomorrow I'll take us the rest of the way.
To welcome my second daughter into the world I've got some parenting tips; and for no reason in particular I've got a slight bone to pick with the movie In Bruges.
A little kid's question at the Baseball Hall of Fame prompts a father to conclude that the job of the Hall of Fame voter is not the same as the job of a dad.
Family commitments have kept me from writing anything new the last day or two, but I figured I'd put up this oldie but goodie. Not to be immodest, but it might be my favorite thing I've ever written.
I loved, loved, loved "The Adam Carolla Show." And now it's gone.
My Oscars picks column comes to PoopReading.com... and the world will never be the same. Okay, fine; it will. Just go ahead and read this in any case, okay?
The third of four reviews of the films from the 2009 Movie Draft showcases the comedic talents of Richard Jenkins, Meryl Streep, Brad Pitt and Philip Seymour Hoffman, as Melissa Leo looks on (hey, somebody's got to play the straight man).
Fire. Sliced bread. The automobile. Flight. Landing on the moon. These were some of mankind's greatest achievements. Until now.
If Alex Rodriguez is the most hated man in sports right now, hockey player Bryan Little of the Atlanta Thrashers should be the most beloved.
While everyone debates which movie deserves to win at this year's Oscars, we take a look at who should have won in 2003. Be warned: the Academy's choices don't look any better in the long view.
Finally – and definitively – all-time great Super Bowl #17 through all-time great Super Bowl #1. And I don't want to hear any arguments out of any of you.
A few months ago, Clint Eastwood basically called our generation a bunch of pussies. Was he right? In there anyone out there who can take up the mantle of Clint, or, for that matter, of Harrison Ford? This piece's title might give you a clue...
In which I take you on a magical journey from the 27th-best Super Bowl ever all the way to... the 18th-best Super Bowl ever. Don't worry; the good ones are coming soon.
In which I cover reality TV and grammar. And if there are two more compelling subjects out there waiting to be tackled, I'd certainly love to hear what they are... yeah. Thought so.
Some say the Steelers-Cardinals Super Bowl was the greatest ever played. Spoiler alert: it wasn't. You'll have to wait until later in the week to find out what was; for now, though, read about all-time-best Super Bowl #43 through all-time-best Super Bowl #28. Why #28? Because that's when I got tired.
Come on, Steelers. You've got to win. For anything to make any kind of sense, ever again, you've just got to.
Too much committee thinking and group input will invariably lead to the worst possible solution.
Normally on Fridays in this space you get an NFL picks column out of me. Such a column is significantly more difficult to put together when there is no NFL football being played, so I debut a new Friday feature. I hope you like it.
I only saw 20; that's what happens when you start having kids, I'm afraid. But, out of those 20, there were surprisingly few dogs. Find out which one I liked best; I'm sure you're just dying to know.
We originally published this piece back in November, but it seems like a good fit for inauguration day. And, if you haven't read it, it's new to you!
Pretty much everyone went 1-3 last week; I went 2-2. So, at least that's something. Plus, I single-handedly fix the NFL's overtime problem.
Now that "American Idol" is losing steam and getting desperate, to the point of adding a fourth judge to a panel that's been the same for seven years, I figure this is the perfect time to start writing about it on the internet.
The title goes back to "30 Rock"... and, since all that needs to be said about that show's principals has been said already, we take a bit of a look at the episodes written by the man who's written most of the best ones.
This is the week we turn it around. I feel good about things. I mean, if I can go 0-4 last week, I can just as easily go 4-0 this week. I mean, you'd think so, right?
I wrote this a few months ago, but it still holds true. Besides, if you haven't read it, it's new to you!
I would have sworn that it was "on a pile of money with many beautiful women," but, I looked it up and Brandon had it right. I shouldn't have doubted him. Anyway, here's some crap about football.
Merry Christmas and Happy Inevitable Late-Season, Playoff-Missing Collapse, Vikings Fans!
If you don't want to hear from a pessimistic Vikings fan who can imagine several nightmare scenarios whereby his team misses the playoffs... then don't read this. Otherwise, enjoy!
The contents of a pamphlet found among Iraqi shoe-thrower Muntadhar al-Zeidi's personal effects shed some light on his methods...
Two winning weeks in a row, everybody. The force is strong with this one. Read on...
In the first of a series, we take a look at Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas and California. And yes, we know there are only 50 states; the District of Columbia has shows, too.
Finally, a winning week last week, folks. Can't nothing stop us now!
I didn't give "How I Met Your Mother" the title of The Best Show on TV, "How I Met Your Mother" took the title by brute force.
Finally, we get to talk about the ladies. Part One was a regular sausage fest, huh fellas?
These people should have been recognized. Now, finally, in the form of an internet post that almost no one (except you!) is ever going to read, they will be.
I didn't have a losing week last week, folks! Everything's coming up Mulder!
Included herein: several paragraphs of boring commentary about NFL officiating, followed by 32 Zooperstars. What are Zooperstars, you ask? Well, you're in for a treat...
As we prepare to bid "The Shield" a fond farewell next Tuesday, at last it assumes its rightful place at the top of the television heap.
In a train car on a dark night in Sydney, I find out all I will ever need to know about Adelaide. I'm dying to visit someday.
This is the week. I can feel it, guys; my picks are good. My picks are solid. This is the week.
I pretty much mailed it in this week, folks. I'm not going to lie.
In defense of an embarrassing buffoon.
Everyone should vote... to read my NFL picks column! (Get it? 'Cause... the election?)
I haven't had a winning week in a while; that means I'm due, right?
McCain, Palin and Biden all have kids in the military, but not Obama. What; are his children too good to fight for our country? Read on...
I feel really good about this weeks picks, you guys. Of course, I wouldn't tell you if I didn't...
Last time I said that Part 1 was shows 10 through 5; I lied. It was 10 through 6. If you can bring yourself to trust me this time, I give you shows 5 through 1.
Because my guess is as good as yours.
It's not actually a drinking game. But still.
Shows 10 through 5... the other half of the list is coming soon.
I always say that you don't really know anything until Week 5. Well, it's Week 5... and I'm still confused.
And we're off and running with another season of the NFL and, perhaps even more importantly, another season of my NFL picks column!